


and I close my eyes

by almosthello



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Eventual Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-05 11:39:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4178391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almosthello/pseuds/almosthello
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some people don’t realize how important something is until they lose it. One day Nagachika Hideyoshi stops chasing. One day Kaneki Ken realizes he’s too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my second Tokyo Ghoul fic. It actually starts as a vent fic, but somehow it ends up over 8k. Honestly speaking, I didn't think I would post again, but the responses in my other fic and some of the sweetest people ever gave me hope that maybe my writing isn't as bad as I thought so I decided to give another try. Enjoy! :)

_Bzzz.. bzzz…_

Kaneki stays still in his bed. He doesn’t need to reach out and check his phone to find out who the sender is. There’s only one person who still bothers sending him messages and one quick glance to the small clock on his nightstand only confirms the answer. A moment passes and the screen dims, leaving his room back to the somber glow it was in.

 _Why are you still keeping that thing on?_ He questions himself. _It’s not like you’re going to answer those messages._

He ponders at the question for another while, trying to find the answer as his fingers trail over his blackened, rotten nails. Pity? Definitely not. Hope? …maybe?

He falls asleep with a broken memory of sunshine over his window and the smell of summer breezing through, and for once he sleeps through the night in a dreamless black.

 

He wakes up to Hinami’s face a few days after. She hands him his first coffee of the day and one of the prettiest smiles he’s ever blessed to see, all the while settling to sit on his bedside as he lets her hold his fingers between her smaller ones.

“It’s nice to see you like this, Onii-chan,” Hinami begins, and he can hear how glad she is from her voice. “You’ve been sleeping well these days, haven’t you?”

He brings the cup to his lips –she learned the art of brewing from the best indeed– and inhales. A small smile threatens to peek from the corner of his mouth. “Do you think so?”

“I know so.” She grasps his hand tighter, and he lets out a weak chuckle.

“Nothing goes past the eyes of the great Hinami-chan.”

“You bet!” Hinami grins, and Kaneki puts the cup on his bedside in favor to pat her head.

“Your hair's getting longer,” he says after a few strokes. “Do you want me to trim them for you again?”

“Don’t change the subject, Onii-chan.”

“But I wasn’t even trying.”

“Uh-huh. What makes you so happy these days?”

Kaneki hesitates. His gray eyes dart towards his phone for barely a sec, but Hinami catches on. “Never mind,” she shakes her head and stands, deciding not to pry further. “I’m sure it’s just another new novel. Well Onii-chan, you better get ready, I think Banjou-san will be back in a few minutes.”

He nods and empties his coffee cup. “I will.”

 

Sometimes Kaneki thinks of reading them. He’d stopped a long time ago –fearing he would see anger and rants and goodbyes he’s sure he’d never be ready to hear. He likes the thought of Hide sending him messages of how he’s bored to death in class and finding peace in imagining he still has a home to come back to (yes he is.) And somewhere along the line he decides that it’s real, that the muted buzzing of his phone every 10am and 10pm and a few more is Hide whining about his homework and the new burger joints he’d been visiting. He indulges himself in the image of Hide hanging around his old apartment and leaving notes he would need to catch up to one day. There’s a disturbing satisfaction that no matter what happened, Hide would still wait for him because he’s important to him.

And so he puts off reading and replying for another day, and another, and another. Because hey, Hide has been waiting all these time hasn’t he? He can wait for another day.

He’ll definitely reply tomorrow.

Or so he keeps saying to himself.

 

One day the messages stop coming.

Kaneki doesn’t think much, after all, he has information to scour and targets to eliminate, on top of having to spend what little time he has with Banjou and Hinami and the others. There’s a small nagging in the back of his head – _what if Hide got into trouble? What if he’s sick? Is he okay?_ But he wakes up to the same, muted buzzing from his phone the morning after, so he ends up deciding to tuck the hesitation into the corner of his head, completely putting the doubts behind his back.

He’s important to Hide. Hide wouldn’t leave him.

But slowly but sure the messages gradually slow down, and the nightmares start coming back too; the bloody hands crawling his body and the sinister laughs whispering he’s worthless and powerless and all alone. The memory of sunshine can no longer calm his nights, and some days he can’t even remember how Hide’s supposed to look like –it’s as if he’s trying to peek on him through a foggy, blurry window.

He’s important to Hide. Hide would chase him, yes he would.

Targets come and go, and he’s getting closer on tracking Kanou down (or so he likes to think, because sometimes he sees Banjou shaking his head, and Hinami crossing another list on a note she keeps track on.) Kaneki spends less time to ponder on what-ifs and more on finding things to tire himself out so when he lays on his bed, his body automatically shuts down without him needing to will it to. So many things to think about, so many things to pay attention to and Hide would have to wait. Sometimes he walks in to the familiar buzz, but most of the time he doesn’t. The only time he checks his phone is every three days that he knows the battery would threaten to die. He no longer feel the need to check the screen –it’s becoming a routine he’s been doing for almost half a year, and so it takes a little over a month before he notices the number of the new message hasn’t been changing at all.

He stares at the number (472 new messages), and only then it dawns on him that he hasn’t been waking up to the familiar buzz for quite a while.  But when did the messages stop coming? He imagines how easy it is to swipe his finger against the buttons and finds the exact date he needs, but for some reason his finger just wouldn’t move.

 _“He forgets about you,”_ an image of Rize materializes beside him, her lean fingers sweeping over the 472. _“He doesn’t care about you anymore.”_

“No he doesn’t.”

 _“So you tell yourself.”_ She tells mockingly, raising her hand to trail over his cheek, and he shivers at the cold touch. _“After all, why would he wait for you, mmm? You did nothing but ignore him all these time.”_

“No I didn’t.”

 _“Can you imagine him?”_ her voice grows louder, and he wants nothing but to strangle her and make her shut up. _“Your Hide, strolling around Kamii with your replacement. Ah, what would she look like? I bet she’d look just like you.”_

“Stop.”

 _“Yes, yes, she would.”_ She singsongs. _“He’ll take her to Anteiku and introduce her to everyone. He’ll hold her hand and kiss her too–”_

“Stop!”

_“–and people would ask him what about that guy he’s been hanging with during the first months of Kamii? And can you just hear him saying ‘who?’”_

“Stop it!”

 _“But it’s happening, isn’t it?”_ she smiles at him, her tone still light and teasing. Her hands settle on his shoulder as she brings her lips closer to his ear. _“You ignored him, after all. And at what cost?”_

“I didn’t!” Kaneki screamed. The Hide in his head is always smiling at him, always willing to listen to him, always ready to make him laugh. The Hide he remembers leaves notes and burgers and sweets at his door, puts his arms around his shoulder whenever he’s feeling nervous, and surprises him with new books on his birthdays; the Hide who once upon a time hold his hand and told him he’d never leave him, and for once in what seems like forever, Kaneki remembers what’s it’s like to feel hope. What it's like to feel when someone loves him.

And so without a second thought, he flips open his phone and scrolls through his messages. They look just like what he imagined, and for that reason alone he sighs in relief, not knowing he’s been holding his breath all that time. Beside the occasional concern-laced messages, he finds his inbox filled with light-toned messages; a new café opening and Hide checking it in ( _I swear you’d spend hours just sitting in that café reading like the nerd you ar_ e), the classes he’s been missing ( _Yamada beat me in English! Can you believe that? I studied really hard on that too!_ ), a cat following Hide when he walks home, a new part time job, and tons of other normal things as if nothing happened. And Kaneki can feel the tears pooling in his eyes as he leans back to his pillows and scrolls through more messages.

_“Are you eating well? Btw Big Girls has this new buy one get one promo. You wanna go sometime?”_

_“Did you know rabbits are most active in the evenings? I’m not making things up, it’s real!”_

_“Mannn this class is so boring. Consider yourself lucky not getting into this mess.”_

_“There’s a new senpai at work. She’s so tiny compared to my other senpai but so scary first glance. No need to worry, though. I think I can get along with her just fine.”_

_“Today’s forecast calls for a breezy cloudy day and one lazy Hide.”_

_“Hey_

_Do you hate me or something?”_

Kaneki freezes. Hide’s next message was received a few seconds after it, apologizing that it’s a wrong reply, but it didn’t ease the fear slowly crawling from his chest. From then on, he notes how the messages begin to halt. Sometimes there’s even a two days gap between the messages, and as he scrolls down, he can feel anxiety gripping him tighter. There’s a voice in his head telling him to stop, to just ignore and continue living in the perfect world he’s been building all these time –that Hide is still waiting for him and everything will be fine, just give it a few more weeks and he’ll be back –they’ll be back just like before, but he knows he can no longer do that. Not after this. And so he forces himself to scroll through until the last message, still somehow hoping the it would be something about Hide promising he’ll be waiting. But what awaits him instead is nothing but a short question;

_“Hey Kaneki_

_Am I not enough?”_

The date shows that it really has been a little over a month since it’s received. And Kaneki stares at it for one whole minute, staring at the exact time the message was received – 05.39AM. Knowing Hide, it’s not too hard to figure that he’s been staying up all night.

..so much for a make-believe fantasy.

The next thing he knows, his body moves on auto pilot; a hand reaching for the blanket as his other hand puts the phone back on his nightstand, and a few blinks later he finds himself cocooned under his quilt, wishing nothing but for the bed to swallow him whole and just forget, forget, forget…

He closes his eyes and tries to picture the sun, but the last thing he remembers before falling asleep is nothing but a bleak, blank darkness.

 

“Onii-chan…”

“Yes?”

Hinami sighs, her restless hands mirroring her hesitation. Whenever she acts like this, Kaneki would usually be the one coaxing her to open up, but today’s just not the day. Still, ignoring Hinami is never on his list so he bends down to get on her eye level and asks her what she needs.

It takes a while for her to raise her head and meet his eyes, but when she did, he's surprised to catch what seems to be pity coupled with concern behind her brown eyes.

“Are you okay? I’m…” she turns away again. “I know I won’t be much help but…” a shake of head. “Onii-chan, you can always talk to me if you want to.”

Kaneki straightens back. Apparently he’s gotten Hinami worried over him – _did it really show?_ He contemplates on telling her, the pluses over the minuses, but the words just won’t come out. His first thought, however, was to deny so he decides to do what he always does best;

Touching his chin, he gives her half a smile and an “I’m fine, why do you think I’m not?”

That usually does the trick, but apparently today’s not his lucky day because Hinami doesn’t budge. Sometimes she reminds him of Touka, and he doesn’t know whether it’s a good thing or not.

“I know I’m still so young,” she begins, and he expects her to adds a scolding or two, but her voice retains the gentleness as she continues, surprising him in the process, with “But you’ve been there for me so many times, at least let me help you on this, even just a bit. I can’t promise I’d help much, but I’m sure you’d feel a bit better.”

At that Kaneki can only let out a small laugh. “I guess Hinami-chan _is_ growing up, huh?” to which she replies with a shy smile, her body language relaxing. And for this once Kaneki thinks that maybe, maybe he can tell her. Maybe it’ll be okay. Not everything, of course, but maybe this can be a start.

Sighing, he gestures her to the sofa and waits until she’s comfortably settled beside him before beginning;

“Hinami-chan, I think I’ve… been a bad person.”

 

Monday rolls in and Kaneki finds himself standing behind a tree, donning the old white eye patch under the safety of one of his old hoodies. Kamii doesn’t seem to change much, beside the sight of the withering, golden trees replacing what used to be green and pink lining the gate to the main entrance. Students are still swarming through the gate and another glance to his watch confirms that the last class of the day should’ve ended 10 minutes ago. He has no idea what classes Hide’s taking this semester, and he never talks about his schedule on the messages either, so Kaneki can only hope his sorry luck could at least let him catch sight of his old friend because Kamii is now the only place he can find him –one of the messages has Hide mentions feeling spent after a whole day moving his stuffs to his new apartment.

Truthfully, Kaneki didn’t expect much. After all, it’s only Monday, which means the chance of him catching his best friend (can he still call him that?) is only, what, 20% at most, but a chance is still a chance. And he knows Hinami would really scold him if he tells her he’s already giving up.

(His first thought was to send Hide a message, but Hinami had pouted at him, saying something about this isn’t a matter that can be settled simply with a message and that “You need to meet him, Onii-chan.”

“But what if—“

“You _need_ to.” Her eyes softened. “You owe him at least this.”)

And speaking of Hinami, apparently it turned out that his decision to trust her was right. He can’t say he feels alright now, but he can’t deny that he does feel lighter. The girl had sat through his monologue and had been giving him just the words he needed to hear. One of them was that it’s never too late; if Hide is everything Kaneki tells her then he would definitely forgive him. As simple as that.

Kaneki waits until after the sun goes down and the street lamps start flickering to life. A couple more hours in and he watches as the security prepares to close the gate and decides to call it a day. _It’s only Monday_ , he reassures himself again, _there’s still another four days before the week ends._ He pulls the zip on his jacket, trying to ignore how his fingers are shaking, and is about to turn to leave when a familiar voice catches him by surprise.

“Hey-hey-hey! Don’t close it yet!”

Kaneki turns just at the time to catch Hide slipping himself between the gate, his now enhanced hearing manages to catch Hide mumbling apologies about needing to finish something and the security responding with a light laugh.

How long has it been?

It takes everything in him not to run and just throw himself to Hide there. It really has been too long and he wants nothing but to take Hide in, to learn about the things he has been missing (and judging from how Hide looks like, there’s a lot), but the more sensible part of him reminds him that he should know better than to make a scene in a public place. He grips his hands into a fist and wills himself to stay still despite the thundering of his heartbeat, at least until the small exchange between his friend and the security guard ends and Hide begins to walk away.

Kaneki huffs. The tailing part should be the easiest part. After all, it’s now something he does on almost weekly basis, but as he follows after Hide, who is now taking a quick stop at a convenience store, a crippling fear slowly spreads through his whole being. Questions and doubts and what-ifs cross through his mind. What if Hide doesn’t want him anymore? What if they can’t go back to what they’re used to be? It’s so easy for Kaneki to just stop and turn around, to return to the safety of the world he creates inside his head, but he remembers the restless nights and the sight of his phone lying useless on his desk. He craves the attention, no matter how selfish it sounds, and tells himself to focus on the _after_ part.

Hide leads him to a rather secluded area of the 20th Ward and into a small two-story apartment, humming a foreign song as he does. Kaneki had been too caught up in his own head that he directly follows him up the stairs and is caught off guard when he finds Hide waiting for him.

“Kaneki?”

But Kaneki doesn’t hear that. Finally finding himself face to face with who he claimed to be the most important person in his life after what seems to be forever had him wanting nothing but to touch him. Hide looks different; one of the few things he first noticed was the length of his hair, but seeing it up close is a whole different thing. Kaneki tries to take everything in; Hide’s eyes, Hide’s face, Hide’s scent –they’re still the same and he misses them too. He looks skinnier than he remembers, or what he imagines him to be, and a closer look lets him know that his friend now carries a different weight. One hand unconsciously reaches forward, but Hide’s second call of his name snaps him out.

“Kaneki, it’s really you!” Hide’s smile blooms, and it’s amazing how such simple thing chases away the nagging feelings inside his chest. “It’s been so long! How are you? –you wanna come in?”

Kaneki gulps. He’s having a hard time processing the whole situation. And suddenly it feels like he’s back to his old self, all shy and doubts as he carefully mumbles out an “Uh… if I may?”

“Nonsense, of course you can!” Hide’s laughter falls easily as he points to his room, the door exactly across the stairs, and fumbles with the key for a moment before opening it and gesturing Kaneki to follow him inside. And Kaneki finds himself doing exactly that; muttering a quiet _pardon the intrusion_ as he copies Hide removing his shoes and arranging it beside the door.

Hide’s new apartment is definitely smaller than his previous one, and clearly looks messier with the stuffs and papers littering around, but he decides against commenting on it and lets Hide lead him to the small table in the middle of the room where they can sit. Kaneki takes a spot across Hide and suddenly feels really out of the place in the middle of everything.

“Sorry it’s kinda messy. Just make yourself at home, okay?” Hide tells him as if he can read his mind, and he pulls out two cans of coffee from the plastic bag he’s carrying and sets them in between them (has Hide noticed him tailing that long?). A pause and then “Are you still cold? Want me to turn on the heater?””

Kaneki blinks. He’s still has his jacket zipped up to his neck, the hoodie over his head, and suddenly he feels self-conscious; the changes on Hide are normal, it’s what happen to everyone, but the ones on him? He scolds himself for not thinking of wearing a wig or maybe painting his nails light. Slowly he pulls his hand down to his lap, and he hears Hide heaves a small sigh.

“…Hide, I’m—“

“So how have you been?”

He swallows, his apology forgotten. How has he been? Kaneki feels strange, the question sounds foreign to him and he doesn’t know what to answer. When’s the last time someone asks him that? His first instinct is to say good, but he’s definitely not. _Well_? Maybe?

“Not okay.” The answer slips before he’s able to stop himself, and he averts his gaze away, finding the messy pile of bright colored clothing on a chair in the corner suddenly more interesting than anything.

“I can see that,” Hide chuckles, his voice gentle. “Last time I saw your panda eyes was when you stayed overnight reading that new novel. What was it again?”

Kaneki tries to remember, but it feels like a lifetime away. He can somewhat see himself curled in the corner of his old apartment, but everything else is in black blotches. Hide must’ve sensed his uneasiness, because he doesn’t push on and opts to open his can of coffee. Kaneki turns his head at the sound of the can popping and wonders _when did Hide start drinking black coffee?_

And again, as if his friend really can read his mind, Hide shrugs and says, “Someone… made me try this thing. Takes quite a while to get used to –with it being so bitter compared to my usuals– but when you do, _you do_ , y’know?” he smiles that sweet smile and dammit it’s feels contagious and Kaneki would smile too, if only Hide’s answer doesn’t hint that there’s someone else who’s close enough to his friend to make him change his view on something. And it’s about coffee of all things.

It shouldn’t really matter, but Kaneki is jealous. Hide is his, isn’t he? How can he say that to him? A sane part of him suggests that his annoyance is irrational –after all, who is he to talk when he pretty much did the same? If anything, what he’d done to Hide was worse, but the thought of the lessening messages and Hide gradually moving on from him angers him as much as it scares him.

Hide is his personal sunshine.

_His._

And no one else’s.

“Cracking your fingers like that is bad. You really shouldn’t do that often.” Hide’s tells him and only then Kaneki notices he’s been doing that.

“Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“…I don’t know.”

The conversation stumbles into an uncomfortable silence, and Kaneki decides to open his coffee can in a poor attempt to find something to do as Hide plays with his now almost-empty one. The coffee leaves a weird taste on his tongue, but he says nothing about it, and instead forces himself to gulp a few more.

“So…” his friend begins after a while. “Let’s try this again, how are you doing? What are you up to these days?”

Kaneki half expects Hide to mention something about him not replying his message, but Hide didn’t and he is thankful for that. There’s no need to make the situation any more awkward than it already is. Gripping his empty can, Kaneki starts with how he’s now working as an informant. He knows his explanation is vague at best, but Hide nods along to his lies about moving in with a deceased coworker’s young daughter (at least that part isn’t really a lie) and didn’t question about his decision to drop out of school and off everyone’s life.

“How about you?”

“Me? Nothing much as you can see.” Hide leans back to his bed, his hands behind his head. And Kaneki follows the movement with his eyes, silently liking the way Hide’s hair now just fall over instead of spreading out all over the place. “I got a part time job as a… hmm, maybe you can say courier. It’s tiring having to send stuffs to so many places a day but hey, it pays the bills and keeps my mind off a few things so why not?”

“I see…”

“Oh! Before I forgot,” he scoots over to Kaneki, and Kaneki, not knowing how to react, closes his eyes at the proximity. Too long, definitely too long, Hide’s scent is inviting, deliciously so. He doesn’t even know why his body reacts that way, the sensation feels both foreign and familiar at the same time, but then he opens his eyes and he’s greeted with the view of Hide holding a paper bag before him.

“What’s this?” that was… embarrassing.

“Why don’t you check it out yourself?” the smile widens into a grin, and Kaneki waits for him to pat his head and messes with his hair like he used to do, but Hide scoots away after putting the package on his lap and Kaneki would be lying if it didn’t send a small sting straight into his chest.

Clearing his throat, he forces the negative feeling back and peeks into the bag, hand reaching to grab whatever contents inside it. It’s something thin… Hide gets him books? He pulls back and finds himself holding the latest Takatsuki Sen novel and a reprint of her first book, his favorite, in hardcover.

“Surprise! I thought you’d be too busy to catch up and she was around so I’d save you the trouble getting it.” Hide announces, excitement all over his voice as his hand reaching to flip open the cover to show Kaneki his own name written in a neat penmanship next to Takatsuki Sen’s.

“Hide–”

“Save the thanks, man, I know.”

“–I already own–“ Kaneki clamps his hand over his mouth. He doesn’t know how or why he ended up saying what he did. An apology is on his lips but the damage has been done. He can see the earlier fire behind Hide’s brown eyes dying down.

“Oh, I…”

“Hide, no, I mean–“

“It’s nothing.” Hide forces a laugh, and the laugh sounds dry in Kaneki’s ears. “Trust you not to miss the chance to meet your favorite author. What was I thinking?” he reaches forward again, this time to take the books from Kaneki’s hands.

“Hide–“

“No need to worry, I’ll take care of this.” Hide pats the two books before putting them back into the paper bag and tucking them away. Once again their conversation falls into an awkward silence.

In spite of the situation, Kaneki almost laugh. It’s kind of funny because he used to prefer silence over Hide’s loud chattering; preferred to sink himself into the world in his book rather than listening to Hide rambling about his games or the new anime he watched yesterday. But now he wishes for nothing but Hide to say something.

He curses himself. He’d told Hinami he’ll set things right but so far he’s done nothing but fuck things up even further. It doesn’t look like Hide’s going to start another conversation either and he completely understand why. Searching around the room to find something to talk about, Kaneki finds his gaze landing on Hide’s hair again.

That can be a start.

“Your hair…” he pauses when Hide looks up to stare at him, suddenly doubting his ability to converse. But he braces himself and continues on, “It’s… it’s getting longer.”

“I can say the same to yours.” Hide offers him a weak smile –he’s never out of it, isn’t he? And suddenly Kaneki hates how Hide doesn’t push on, how Hide doesn’t pry further. He’s been doing that for a while, acting as if Kaneki didn’t disappear from his life for months, and even though the half-ghoul feels relieved that he doesn’t need to make up more lies to cover his story, knowing Hide, he’d expects his friends to throw him a lot of questions, or maybe to even get angry at him, but as much as he likes seeing how Hide still acts as if they’re still the best of friends, how passive he has been pisses him.

“Aren’t you going to ask?” he prompts, a growing flame behind his voice. The question is ambiguous, but he knows Hide would catch what he means.

“Would you give answers if I do?” Hide prompts back.

“Depends.”

“Exactly.”

“But aren’t you curious? Aren’t you going to ask more about me?” _about what happened to me after all these times?_ The way Hide is acting frustrates him.

“Kaneki.” Hide says, and for the first time since they see each other again, his friend sounds tired. And there some sort of finality in the way he says his name that Kaneki swallows whatever he’s going to say.

“What do you want from me?”

“I…” he stops. What does he want, exactly? Why did he follow Hide to his house? Kaneki tries to remember his reasons and feels ashamed. He was supposed to apologize to Hide for neglecting him and yet here he is trying to force all the blame to him. Hide, his oldest, closest friend, someone who used to be the world to him (and still is), who has been spending most of the months he’s been missing trying to connect himself to him.

Since when did he become a real jerk?

Sighing, he slumps back, feeling smaller than ever. Hide is still waiting for his answer, and Kaneki gazes up to him, really examining him for the first time since he’d seen him again. His earlier suspicion that Hide’s losing a few pounds is definitely not wrong, and now seeing up close, he can see the tired lines around his eyes. And now that he think about it, beside the time when Hide’s being excited to show him the books he got him (and Kaneki mentally scolds himself at the memory. _Way to go, Ken._ ) he has been quiet. Suddenly this new Hide isn’t like Hide anymore. The Hide Kaneki remembers is someone who’s never out of smile and laugh; someone who embodies the sun, and the person before him is but a setting sun. He can still feel the warmth, but it’s definitely not the sunny day-like warmth he used to find himself getting drawn into.

“Look, Kaneki.” Hide’s voice startles him. His friend runs his fingers through his hair and messing the bleached strands even further. “I’m sorry. This… this isn’t my day. And I still can’t believe this –I mean it’s been so long and…”

His brown eyes search through his dark one as if he’s trying to find the right word to say. He opens his mouth only to close it again and Kaneki knows exactly how it feels. After all, he’s been feeling more or less the same for the past few hours; feeling as if the words are right there on the tip of his tongue and yet it just won’t slide out.

“And I… miss you. I did, man.” Hide breathes out. It’s amazing how the look in those eyes change from doubts into such gentle adoration in the span of few words. And Kaneki feels his chest tightens at the sight. Hide is looking as if he’s his most precious person, and he wishes nothing but that he’s reading him right.

“You’ve been gone for like, what, months. I was so worried about you! –You know, one time I thought someone kidnapped you or something, I think I went crazy trying to find help.” A light laugh was tagged at the end, but Kaneki has a feeling that Hide isn’t joking at all.

“Hide…”

“But now you’re here with me and I…” for a moment Kaneki swears Hide is going to say something different, something important, something he doesn’t know yet but he just knows he’s been waiting to hear, but a split second later Hide shakes his head.

“What’s important is you’re here and you’re okay. That’s all that matters.” He says. Still, it sounds so sincere and Kaneki decides that this is it; it’s his chance.

“I’m sorry!” he blurts out, and before Hide has the chance to respond, he continues, “I’m sorry I’m…” there’s probably a hundred reason he should apologize for, but Kaneki just doesn’t know where to start.

_I’m sorry I ignored you._

_I’m sorry I left._

_I’m sorry I wanted to protect you._

_I’m sorry I’m not strong enough._

_I’m sorry I’ve been a bad friend._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry._

_I’m –_

“…sorry I’ve been so busy lately.”

Kaneki wants to punch himself. Of all the things he can say and he said that? He swears there’s something broken in his head. He darts his eyes away, not having the courage to stare at his friend. A small voice in the back of his head urges him to apologize; _say sorry it wasn’t what you meant, before—_

“It’s okay.” At the sound of Hide’s ever so gentle voice he whips his head back up. Despite being a restless ball of sunshine most of the time, Hide always treats him as if he has all the patience in the world. His friend is still staring at him the same way he did before, and Kaneki would be lying if he says it doesn’t send a wave of relief all over him.

“…really?” he asks, voice timid. This can’t be real. A darker side of him is smiling, the part who keeps telling him to simply take everything for granted because that’s how it’s been and how it’s supposed to be. Because it’s only fair for Hide to keep giving him all the attention he deserves. He’s been doing that ever since they’re little so it’s only natural for him to crave more and Hide to give in.

 _But this isn’t right_ , another part argues. _You haven’t apologized to him yet._

“Pfsh, why would I lie?” Hide’s confirmation pushes that small part of him away, and he unconsciously smile at the thought. How lucky is he? He imagines Hide inviting him to stay over, as usual, and they’d spend the night catching up, or most probably him nodding along to Hide’s stories about the most random things. And maybe by the crack of the dawn, they’d end up back to back, cramped in Hide’s small bed. Kaneki closes his eye, sinking in the small memory of waking up in a tangled mess of legs and arms and blankets over the morning light. Ah, how nice it would be to have some warmth against him as he sleeps. He’s been sleeping alone ever since he moved away with Hinami and Banjou. But then again, Hide’s the only one he’s ever shared his bed with, beside his mother, of course. Wouldn’t it just be nice to have him close again? Not to mention Hide’s scent has been so inviting too. No, not appetizing –okay, maybe a bit, still, it’s a different kind of appetite.

But Hide’s next words plunge him back down. “Aren’t we friends?”

Kaneki opens his eye.

“…friends?”

“Yeah, friends. That’s what we are, right?” Wrong answer. Kaneki expects a ruffling on his hair or maybe a poke on his cheek coupled with a laugh and maybe an “I was kidding. Of course you’re my best friend!” He waits on, but Hide’s words seem final because he’s now titling his head with a silent _what are you expecting?_ Clear on his face.

“Just friend?” He asks.

Hide’s smile fades. Kaneki can sense the light air around him stills, but his eyes still retain the gentleness. Kaneki waits for him to say anything –to crack a joke or do anything hinting that he’s wrong, that their relationship is still the same. But Hide shakes his head. And then carefully, as if he knows how his words would impact him, Hide tells him that,

“Kaneki… time’s changed. We’ve changed. I can’t keep chasing over you.”

Kaneki’s eye widens. He can’t mask his surprise and Hide must’ve noticed. This is what he’s been dreading to hear. Hide isn’t supposed to say that. _No, no, no, no!_

“I’ve… I’ve done that once,” Hide continues. “I’ve chased your shadows so many times before I’ve lost count the days I’ve spent trailing over the slightest hints of you –trying to reach you, to make you turn and tell you that ‘hey, what about me? I’m still your friend. I’m still waiting for you!’

“But I really… can’t do that anymore. Best friends don’t do that to each other, right?"

Kaneki lowers his eye, not finding himself being able to keep holding Hide's gaze.

Hide's right, isn't he?

(He always is.)

Some best friend he is. What makes him think that he could just stroll back into Hide's life after months ignoring him and completely expect him to act as if nothing happened? One part of him, the part that minutes ago was purring in satisfaction is now nothing but barely-there whispers against the growing part that tells him he's wrong. That he should've known this would happen. That it's all his fault, and he was supposed to stick with his so called made-up world in the first place.

He stares at his hands, carefully regarding each and every one of his fingers. _What have you been doing all these time?_ He asks himself.  Hunting Kanou? Not with all the dead ends he's been facing. Gaining powers? Maybe, but is he strong enough now? And at what cost? He tries to remember when's the last time he talks with someone other than Banjou, Hinami, Tsukiyama and the few ghouls he's working with, but he can't remember. His last visit to Anteiku was ages ago and–

Kaneki swallows.

He never thought about his friends in Anteiku this way. He's fine with them moving on without him–it's never really a big matter whether or not they still take him as a friend, whether or not they remember him, as long as they're safe. As long as he knows he's keeping them safe. But Hide?

No. Not Hide.

He doesn't want Hide to leave him. He doesn't want Hide to move on without him.

And suddenly the answer he's been looking for is there; the reason why he's been keeping his phone on. He can deal with everyone leaving him –because everyone does. Everyone will. His mother did, didn't she?– but not Hide. Not Hide, never Hide. Anyone can leave him and it'll still be alright as long as the muted buzzing is there to remind him that Hide still waits for him.

But Hide is saying no. Hide stopped waiting for him. Hide is giving up on him, yes he did, and no matter how many time he tries to deny, it is eating him alive; the words feels like knives slicing on his skin. Kaneki has been trying to tell himself it's alright, that he'll be okay no matter what Hide says, that hey, he's all alone to begin with, but now that he hears those words from those lips, he can't deny that it does  _hurts_. It hurts so much.

A gentle touch is on his shoulder and he turns to see Hide has scooted closer to him. Those warm eyes are soft on him, as always, and Kaneki grips his hands into a fist, willing himself to hear whatever his friend is going to say to him.

"Hey..." Hide starts. His voice is barely a whisper. "It's..."

"Hide..." he begs. He can't believe he's doing it, but he will beg him. He'd beg him a thousand times –he'd do anything as long as Hide takes him back. This is the one thing he can't lose. "Hide–Hide, please..."

His friend sighs, hiding his face away. "It's getting late. Maybe you should go home?"

Kaneki keeps a steady gaze on him, trying to show him he's not accepting what he'd just heard, but deep down he knows it's a lost case. And so in the end he nods, because what else can he do? Hide turns back to face him, looking as if he expects him to say something, but he shakes his head and pulls himself up. And Kaneki did too, the spot where Hide hold him seconds ago burns. He follows Hide to the front door and puts on his shoes, trying to stall the time and spend at least a few more seconds with him, but eventually he's finished and there's nothing else to do beside saying good bye.

"But we can still see each other, right?" he didn't realize he's voiced his thought out loud until he sees Hide's look of surprise, and somehow Kaneki begins to wonder whether or not it's appropriate for him to actually gets on his knees and beg.

Because he might.

He will.

"...I guess." Hide's answer sounds flat, and he reaches to pull the door open, leaving Kaneki no choice but to walk out. So he did, forcing himself to keep walking even after hearing the sound of Hide's door closing behind him. He doesn't stop walking until he's outside the apartment area and against a wall in the nearest alley, where he squats down and finally cries into his own hands, Hide's name slipping between the choked sobs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He's there. Hide can sense him. For the first time in months he's finally here and Hide doesn't know what to do. Should he pretend not to notice him? Should he run to him? Or wave and tell him _'hey, I can see you there?_ ' All sorts of actions and reactions were storming inside his head and Hide almost breaks into a run because Nagachika Hideyoshi doesn't _think_ , he just do.

But what should he do?

His feet stop before he even finishes mustering a thought. _Coffee. Yes, coffee. Coffee can be a start, no?_ Is inside his head as he takes a turn into the convenience store. The cashier greets him as he enters and he smiles back as usual, practicing the art he's been mastering all his life. This is good. He wouldn't follow him inside, would he? One glance to the window and he finds his answer leaning against an electric pole with both hands inside the pockets of his hoodie. Great.

Great. Great.

Now what?

Strolling through the drink aisle, Hide can't help but let his mask slip and bites his lips. It's been a little over a month –okay, 38 days, _yes, he counts_ – and finally his chance is here. Chance to fix everything up, to return to how it was an eternity ago.

He reaches for two cans, and scolds himself when he's about to walk into the snack aisle. _Silly you, what's the use of buying snacks if_ he _can't eat them?_ Shaking his head, he walks back to the cashier with thoughts scrambling all over the place until he remembers something.

He _is_ silly, isn't he? The answer has been always the same since day one. It never changed from the time he sat squatting for hours in front of his apartment months ago, waiting for him to open up as he tries to find a reason why isn't his change to a ghoul sound at least creepy inside his head.

_Wait for him to come to you and go from there._

And he can't help but smile–a real smile– as he turns his back and finds him right before him. He's changed, all the months he's been gone –all the months he's been taken away from him– Hide wouldn't have notice it's him if not because the thundering inside his chest. His precious, most precious person looks broken in more ways than one and it breaks his heart. _What did I tell you before?_ He wants to joke, _you need me to take care of you!_ But he says none and instead invites him into his home.

 _Let him come to you_ , he keeps chanting in his head.

His most important keeps his lips tight, and he knows there would be no end if he really waits for him, and so he did what he could. A few small talk here, an innocent question there, and yet he still doesn't budge. He opens his can as he whips his brain into works and tries to figure what else he should say. Would asking about his life again sounds weird?

But his thoughts are interrupted by a cracking sound. He is cracking his finger with an unreadable, almost vicious look in his eye. Suddenly Hide realizes that time had indeed passed. That despite the drumming of his stupid heart, the person sitting across him might not be the same person he spent most of his childhood with. And he would be lying if the thought doesn't send chills down his spine.

He remembers one of the announcements he read back in the office. SS-Rank Eyepatch, they now call him.

Has Hide invited a demon into his home?

But he shakes his head and tells himself that it doesn't matter. That if he really have changed, he would have been dead meat in more ways than one by now. A gentle scolding proves how he's right, but the nagging suspicion is still there. His friend is careful in choosing his words, and even mutters some lies as if it means nothing, as if it's something he now does on a daily basis, and it hurts him because this is what left of their mutual trust.

 _Can't you trust me anymore?_ He wants to ask. The bitter aftertaste of coffee in his mouth is nothing compared to the now suffocating tightness in his chest. _Am I not worthy enough for you to trust?_

He tries to push the thoughts away because he can just feel the frustration beginning to prickle his eyes and the last thing he'd want is crying in front of his one. Plastering one grin on his face, the cheeriest one he can pull, he reaches forward and decides to show him his treasure. He tries to ignore his reaction of flinching and closing his single eye as he nears him because hey, at least he has the decency to attempt control his hunger when food is presented before him. And it shouldn't really hurt much because he is nothing but a damn meat for him now.

“Surprise!" Man, he hopes he doesn't hear the way his voice cracks. "I thought you’d be too busy to catch up and she was around so I’d save you the trouble getting it.” Book is always the solution to win his heart and he is so ready, so ready to see him pull that damn facade off and show him the excitement of a kid he used to have whenever a new Takatsuki Sen book is finally on his hands. So ready to pull him into a bone crushing hug and tell him _see? Nothing changes, right?_

But then he says it–says he already owns it and Hide, no, Hide's heart  _falls_. He sees his dearest clamps his hand over his own mouth, but it really has no use, isn't it?

 _What was I thinking?_ He echoes silently as he forces a bitter laugh out. Even after all these months, even after vowing he'd stop waiting, he still can't seem to get that one thing he's been trying to drill into his thick head.

_You're not his one and only anymore. He's changed. Things changed. Everything changed, and some things just won't ever be the same._

_He_ 's trying to change the subject, _poorly_ , he might add, and he would laugh because at least that part of him didn't change, but the tension is rising between them, and he's tired.

Very tired.

He sees his friend and has to fight down the urge to grab his shoulder and demand him to answer why; why isn't he enough? Why did everything change, why even after countless of sleepless nights and mountains of researches and god knows how many tears and fucking messages he still can't be enough for him? He tries to explain to him, to tell him how much he means to him, how the months he's been missing fucks him up in so many ways, but it just feels wrong. The confession is on his lips but they just won't come out.

And then his one smiles, it's such a tiny, discreet one but Hide sees the way the corner of his lips tugged upwards and he realizes; this is it. This is why he comes. He's not here to say hello, he's here to say goodbye, to give him closure to whatever relationship they have, to make sure he doesn't leave any unfinished business behind.

"Just friends?"

He's faking it. He's trying to look like he regrets hearing it, but Hide knows better, doesn't he? Hide always knows better and cares deeper and it's emotionally exhausting being on the receiving end but if this is the last one, if this can end all the pain, the he'd do it. There's only so much time his heart can take beatings and no matter how much he hates it, he's not brave enough to be able to continue pulling a strong front for more months or years to come. It will stab him repeatedly in the process and it will hurt, yes it would, but he knows time will heal everything. It might take years to forget that beautiful eye and that beautiful face and that beautiful smile and that beautiful voice, but he will.

Eventually.

 _This is it_.

Taking one deep breath, Hide braces himself to tell Kaneki the biggest lie in his life, and prays to whatever god he can think of so he can survive.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's been a while! I'm sorry I haven't updated this for so long, but life has been keeping me busy, beside me not feeling the ship for a couple of weeks(? Months?) But rest assured I found myself some time and everything's taken care of.
> 
> There are more than 3 ways this fic can ends in, but I've chosen the best I can think of and hopefully you'll enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. (:

"Onii-chan..."

Kaneki halts on his track, gaze landing on Hinami who’s standing before him; her hands behind her back, hair damp, and already in her pajamas.

They had just returned to their hideout half an hour ago and after cleaning himself off the bloody mess that was once his shirt, Kaneki wanted nothing but to lock himself in his room. If this is someone else, he would have walked past them without a second glance, but Hinami is one of the last people he would ignore and he isn't planning on changing the list.

"What is it?"

"Earlier on..." she trails, looking unsure, and Kaneki's gray eyes dart to find that spot on his left arm, passing through the once large gash that is now barely a thin white stripe that will surely fade into nothing soon.

Their group had came across another group of ghouls earlier, who had thought they're coming to steal their hunting grounds. Of course, Kaneki had tried to settle things by words, but apparently the group's leader decided it's something that must be settled with blood. Truth be told, it should've been an easy win for them; the ghouls were quite weak compared to the ones they've been going against, and he had been humoring them by lazily dodging whatever they threw at him, but somewhere along the way, his body just stopped moving and one of the ghouls managed to land a strike on his left arm.

Rest assured, Banjou and his guys took care of the rest of them without him even needing to lift a finger, and it takes merely minutes for the deep cut to thread close on its own, but it didn't cover the fact that the distraction _is_ beginning to take its toll.

He blinks when he feels Hinami's hand on his, her gentle touch a contrast against his clenched grip. "Are you alright?" She asks carefully, still patient as ever. He catches her gaze, trying to process the simple question, and against his will, he shakes his head.

"Onii-chan..."

He doesn't answer her, and instead just closes his eyes as he savors the warmth spreading from the feel of her hand on his. It goes without saying that his visit to his 'old friend' didn't end well. Everyone had been keeping a distance from him ever since he got back that morning –he'd heard one of the guys joking about him looking ready to commit murder (well, he was not wrong.) Even Tsukiyama had sensed the major change of mood and chooses not to visit so often lately. Everyone had stayed away but sweet Hinami, who is now carefully holding his hand as if he might break if she lets go.

(He might. But who'd care?)

The mere thought feels almost like drowning.

(Definitely not Hide.)

Hinami is still waiting for his answer, and Kaneki opens his eyes and tells himself to deny it, to just cover it up, and just return back to the darkness of his room where he can wallow in self pity together with his inner demons until morning comes. Because that's the only thing he can do right. That's the only thing he's good at.

He can just see Rize there, a mask of sweet smile on her pretty face, waiting behind the door to his room, ready to welcome him to his own nightmare.

"Onii-chan–"

"He doesn't want me." Kaneki mumbles. The words feel heavy on his tongue. "He doesn't want me." he repeats again, and again and again until he finds himself kneeling against her with her hand on his back.

"He doesn't want me, Hinami-chan." he whines one last time, wishing the impossible; wishing Hinami would promise him to bring Hide back, or Banjou to find them and swears he'll fix things up for him in a snap just as how he dealt with the ghouls earlier, wishing his life isn't as fucked up as it is now, wishing he can just turn back the time, or to be able to repeat his last meeting with Hide–wishing Hide to magically be here so he can see how he much he broke him and maybe then, maybe then he'd take him back.

Of all the years they’ve known each other, they never really had a big fight. Sometimes Hide would get on his nerves (because some books just couldn't wait to be read through and yet someone just couldn't seem to be able to keep his mouth shut), but that's really the most of it. Hide never seemed to get angry at him either – his friend is kind by nature; he never looks for trouble, save from some which are more like childish antics instead of actual trouble. And whenever something pissed him, Hide would simply tell him that he is, kept it to himself, and the next day he'd be back as the bouncing ball of sunshine as if nothing happened.

And now that _he_ pissed him off, Kaneki is really scared because this is the first time and he doesn't know what to do. He had a small hope that Hide would try to reach him again, but the familiar buzz of his phone never comes and it's starting to frustrate him out. Because what if this is it? What if he can't fix this? What if it's too late? It is, isn't it? He managed to drive another person away from him again, didn't he?

He wants to cry out his frustration, but the tears just won't come out.

Hinami is shushing him in the way she sometimes does to the doll she keeps on her bed, not once did her hand stop caressing his back. Moments pass in silence, until his heavy breathing finally calms down, and only then she tells him that it’ll be okay.

“We’ll figure something out. You will. You always do.” she promises. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow, okay? I'll hear whatever you want to say, but for now maybe it’s time for some sleep, hmm?"

Kaneki mumbles his yes, but it's not before another minute did he make a move to stand. Hinami helps him up and guides him back to his room, never letting go of his hand until he declines her offer to stay with him and tells her he'll be okay. She doesn't seem satisfied with his answer, a doubtful pout is on her lips, complete with a distrusting half a glare and her hands on her waist, but in the end she gives up, reminding him that she'll be in the next room if he needs anything, and that he should really sleep and not find something grim to read instead.

“I’ll know if you don’t sleep!” is her last warning before she turns on her heels to leave, and Kaneki stares at her retreating back, wondering when did time change. When did she grow up– _how did months fly so fast?_ He used to be the one offering to keep her company until she fall asleep back when she first moved in with him; he recalls some of the times when she would remember about her parents and tuck herself away in a corner, not even Banjou and his funniest antics could put a smile back on her face until he comes back and reaches out to her himself.

He starts wondering if she's doing it out of pity, the comforting act she just did. Wonders if she's only doing this to repay for what he did back then.

"Hinami-chan?"

She turns and tilts her head in a questioning manner. Kaneki blinks, he didn't think he'd really call her name out loud. Something really is broken inside his head.

Hinami is still looking at him, so he continues on, asking the question he knows might–will keep him awake tonight if it stays unanswered:

"Why are.. you doing this to me? Why are you so kind to me?"

Hinami looks mildly confused, as if he's asking something ridiculous, but then the confusion melts into a warm smile, her expression reminding him of the gentle one Ryoko used to wear. "Does it need a reason?" she asks back, and without waiting for his answer, she turns and walks away, completely missing the way a small smile reaches out from the corner of his lips.

 

The first thing he does the next day is knocking on her bedroom door. Hinami always wakes early, earlier than everyone in the house, actually, but she usually stays in her room catching up on reading; a habit she started picking after the first few days staying with them and finding out that no one actually does anything before 9.

A small hesitation is growing inside him as he waits for her to answer. Some part of him hopes Hinami oversleeps today, or maybe gone out somewhere for a walk, but before he has the chance to change his mind, there's a small click of key from the other side of the door and then Hinami, all dressed and ready for the day, comes to view.

"Onii-chan? Good morning!"

He rubs the back of his neck. Apparently he still has it in him; the decency to be embarrassed. "Morning, uh, can I.. talk to you?"

Her twin brown eyes widen and she nods a few times, opening her door so he can slip into her room to sit between the few piles of books on her bed as he's gestured to. He scans the books as she takes a spot across him and smiles at the few notes she’d scribbled. She really does try hard to study. Maybe one day she can go to school too, just like Touka.

The silence he shares with her are always so welcomed and comfortable, so Kaneki can’t help but thinks how weird it is that he’s now trying to find a way to break it. And it’s funny because he's been so restless wanting to talk to her for a few hours before finally mustering enough courage to knock on her door. He regards her, seeing both the expectation and the patience similar to a certain other pair of brown eyes once upon a time and wonders what makes him so afraid in the first place –this is his _younger sister_ , of all people.

"Hinami-chan..." he finally begins. He knows there is still a chance for him to step back and try to deal with everything himself, but deep down inside he knows that he needs her, needs someone to tell him what to do next because all he's been seeing are dead ends, and if Hinami can get him talking to Hide in the first time, maybe she can help him again.

"Hinami-chan, you know.. that last time Hide–" he stops, not finding himself being able to say how Hide rejected him out loud. "–my last visit to his place didn't.. didn't go well, right?"

She hmm's, and he decides to cut straight into the one question he's been wanting to know the answer of; "What should I do... what do I do now?"

He had been a mess for the past few days; so angry at himself that night, came back early morning to sleep all day, then wake up hating on Hide for giving up on him for the next few days only to curl into his bed wanting nothing but Hide to take him back; for his phone to vibrate and let him know how how sorry Hide is for saying what he’d said. He'd thought he could block his feelings out, thought he could drown himself in tailing and fighting and killing and eating (just like a monster that he is now, he hears a voice whispers, and he nods), but he knows sooner or later it will eat him. He tells himself he'll be fine without Hide but it's nothing but a lie; everything lulls his thoughts back to him and Kaneki tries–tries to forget and moves on, but he just can't.

Not when every little thing now seems to reminds him of Hide –the coffee, his signed copies, hell, he'd wake up and sees the sunlight and had to knock his head before that useless brain of his starts making up scenes of how his mornings would be if he didn't screw up and Hide did invite him to stay over.

Because he did once, letting himself sink in the dream of waking up to a warm coffee on his left and Hide's smile on the other. His Hide (it sounds so wonderful, isn't it?) all beautiful and kind with such warmth on his eyes, would offer to skip classes and bribe him to join by saying he'd take him out to a nice cafe instead and of course, Kaneki would say yes and everything was good until someone knocked on his door and he's left with the reality that it'd never happen and felt emptier than before.

And as if it isn't enough, the Rize in his head seems to favor reminding him how he screws up that night every now and then.

Hinami shifts on her spot, fingers toying with the hem of her skirt. "Onii-chan, if you don't mind me asking, what happened? ..that day?" When she sees how his expression changes, she quickly adds, "Because, umm, from what I've been hearing from you, Hide-nii seems like a forgiving person..."

Kaneki lowers his head, guilt settling uncomfortably in his chest. "I messed up." he tells her first, and then continues retelling how many times he did; from how his tongue kept slipping, about the goddamn book and how annoyed Hide seems by the end of their short meeting – how the many planned apologies never leave his lips and how he almost beg Hide to take him back –how angry he feels because Hide doesn’t take him as someone important anymore but ending it with how completely human it is for him because even _he_ wouldn’t take himself back.

Hinami nods to everything he tells her, but by the end of his long monologue, the first thing she says is another question:

“Hide-nii is more than a friend to you, isn’t he?”

Kaneki is caught off guard. The answer is definitely yes, but what is Hide to him? Best friend has a familiar ring to it, but he knows by now that Hide is more than that.

Hide is important to him.

His important person.

But how important?

He sees Hinami and can easily admits she is important to him, and so is Banjou, and Touka, and the Manager, and everyone in Anteiku.

But Hide is more than that, isn’t he?

“He’s… he’s someone I can’t lose.” he settles instead, huffing, and for some reason it makes Hinami covers her mouth, hiding something that resembles a smile that he thinks he’s better off not knowing the reason of.

“Then, Onii-chan, the answer is simple, don’t you think?”

“Hmm?”

“You need to win him back!”

Kaneki didn’t expect that.

“..win him back?” he parrots.

"Uhuh."

"...but I'm not.. I’m not competing against anyone." Beside life, that is.

Hinami rolls her eyes, "Win his trust back! Onii-chan, I don’t think he knows how much he means to you!”

But the confusion only adds on. “..but you do, don’t you?”

Hinami rolls her eyes again. “Not until I asked you directly.”

But Kaneki still can’t connect the dots, and Hinami heaves a sigh at his confused look, muttering something about him being _hopeless, Onii-chan_.

“You know, sometimes I can’t guess what you’re thinking.” she tells him then, finger resting on her cheek in a thinking pose. “You always keep everything to yourself, and you’re mostly stay silent too...” she pauses. “I wouldn’t know Hide-nii is important to you if you didn’t say it out loud. Maybe I can guess, but if you didn’t tell me, I don't think I would. And I think that’s what happened to him too?”

“But Hide always knew.” Kaneki points out. It even creeps him out sometimes, the way his friend could always figure what he’s thinking back then; how he knew what would he wanted even without him needing to say it out loud or how he could stop just right before it hits the line. He would even go as far as admitting Hide was his voice –the boy had always been more vocal and Kaneki has no problem trusting him the role.

“A few months out can make him out of practice, don’t you think?”

Kaneki hums in consideration. Is miscommunication really the problem? Is it really that simple? He wants to believe it’s the case, after all, what Hinami said did make some sense. And now that he thinks about it, he barely said anything on their last meeting. Back in his human days, he used to meet Hide on a daily basis. Heck, he might as well say he spent time with Hide as much as he does with his book, and that should be saying something. But the last time Hide saw him, the last time he actually talked to Hide, was months ago, so for Hide to stumble trying to figure him out should be expected, no?

But what if it isn’t?

"I might be wrong, but," Hinami reaches forward to hold his hand, a gesture that they both had grown accustomed to. "I have a feeling you would regret this forever if you don't try."

Kaneki shifts the gears in his head to work. She is not wrong, now that he knows there's still a chance for him to fix things up, that there’s still a possibility that he hasn’t screwed up that much, he's going to take that opportunity. There's no denying that he _is_ scared –scared of having to see Hide rejects him for the second time, scared to see if things don't go as planned, and he knows he will need to talk himself into this because he can already see a part of him backing down at the risks.

But he too knows well that if he doesn't take the risk now, he'd end up wondering what if he did for the rest of his life. And if there's anything he learned from his past experience, it's that being passive did him no good. At all.

Kaneki heaves a deep breath. He really shouldn't even bother thinking twice for this.

"Hinami-chan.. what should I do to win him back?"

The smile on her lips twists into an excited grin, and somehow in that moment, Kaneki believes everything will be alright.

 

For the second time that month, Kaneki finds himself back in front of Kamii. One of the first things Hinami suggested him to do was to find out about Hide's schedule; it wouldn't do him any good if he plans something only to have it failing because Hide suddenly has classes he can't skip or part time job he can't miss. They would need to have a talk, a long one. Again. And if he can find a time when Hide's mood is great, then it'll definitely be an advantage.

He already knows Hide would be in school all day on Monday, so what's left is figuring where he goes to for the rest of the week.

He didn't see Hide at all on his first day (he guesses Hide has no class on Wednesday), but he catches a glimpse of him dashing with his bicycle the next morning, all messy haired and mis-buttoned jacket, seemingly almost late to class. He then stays in for five hours before leaving again in a rush and Kaneki starts to wonder if he should follow Hide to see where he works at.

(He’d caught Banjou watching a drama where the boyfriend surprised his girlfriend by showing up at a restaurant she works at to pick her up and thought maybe he could do that too)

But Hide is smart, and he would know he's been stalking him and really, Kaneki doesn't need to give Hide another reason to be creeped out by him.

Well that, and something in his gut saying he shouldn't.

The first week passes almost like a blur and so is the next one. Kaneki has quite gotten used to the routine of waiting for Hide to show up, finding himself a table near the window in one of the cafes across Kamii as Hide deals with his classes, leaving when Hide leaves, and seeing him coming back from his spot from the roof of the apartment next to his friend's. His friend doesn't really go out often, other than to work or be in campus – whatever free time he seems to has he spends staying at home doing god knows what, and Kaneki had smiled to himself because he’d always known Hide has this tendency to be so focused in something that he pretty much neglects the others.

And truth be told, he's liking it. One of the reasons why he's against tailing Hide is that he might see his friend actually moves on (as Rize always kindly reminds) with his own eyes, but so far Hide has been mostly alone. It's true that his plan was only to find a good time to talk with Hide, but somewhere along the line he decides that he wants to know more. What kind of people Hide hangs with now? Does he still keeps in contact with Nishiki? Does he still visit Anteiku? But the only time Hide went out was on that one weekend with a few people whom Kaneki assumes are his classmates, judging from the books and the laptops they're carrying with them.

Dusting his pants as he stands from the spot he's been perching on for the past half an hour, Kaneki lets out one tiny yawn slips past his lips as he stretches his arms. It's getting late and no doubt Hide will be staying in tonight. Tomorrow's another Wednesday, which means Hide would be home all day, and who knows, with how good Hide's mood has been the past few days –his friend had been so cheerful lately, greeting everyone with a tad brighter sunny smile than usual– it might be easier for him to fix whatever problem there is between them.

He had, of course, considered about tailing him a bit more, but a more sensible part of him figured that he's just trying to find another reason to prolong the talk and _really, Kaneki Ken, you've won against stronger human-eating monsters before, a mere talk should be a walk in the park._

Huffing. Kaneki pushes himself to walk back to his hideout. Tonight's gonna be a long night.

 

_Hey Hide, listen, about that time..._

_Uh good morning? Hide I need to –no._

_Hi, Hide! Good day today, isn't it?_

_Hide! I didn't know you'd –oh, of course he'd be here, this is his apartment, dammit!_

Kaneki mumbles a few curses under his breath. Here he is, standing before Hide's door trying to calm his nerves. A walk in the park indeed; as he expected, he barely had, what, no more than 3 hours sleep after trying to figure what he's going to say once he sees Hide and it's not until he stood in front of Hide's door, arm reached forward ready to knock he noticed that, of course, he'd forgotten the most important part: how to even start the conversation.

_Calm down, Ken, it's not like this is the first time you're doing this, you’ve done this a thousand times before. Okay, let's break things up first, shall we? Right. First thing: greeting. Should you greet him? Of course. 'It's been a long time'? No, you only saw him three weeks ago. But three weeks is quite long.. okay, no, then just 'good morning' is enough, right? Alright, so 'good morning' it is. Next, tell him why you're here. Hmm, how about–_

"Kaneki?"

Kaneki's gaze snaps upwards at the call of his name. Hide is staring at him, a small bit of toast hanging from his mouth, already wrapped in one of his old blue jacket and his usual sling bag looking as if he's about to head out.

But Kaneki isn't paying attention to that. "Umm." he gulps. "Um! Good morning! ..Hide."

For a split second, Hide looks at him as if he's grown a second pair of hands (and to be fair, he had, and not only one, but two pairs of Kagune that's now settling comfortably under the skin on his back), but the look changes as quickly as it appears, and the frown is soon being replaced with what he dubs as ‘Hide’s normal smile’.

"Good morning to you too! Is there anything you want?"

 _Aren't you going to invite me in?_ Kaneki wonders bitterly instead, but only then noticing that Hide does look like he's about to leave somewhere.

Not good.

"Ah, well," _Focus, Ken. You can do this. You've stayed up all night preparing yourself to this!_ "..umm, you're going out?"

"Yeah," Hide answers, still not moving from his position, half hidden behind the door. "The guys decided to meet up today and finish up the presentation for tomorrow. Always D-1 with these guys. One day we'd get ourselves into trouble." he tags a light chuckle at the end.

"I-I see..." Kaneki nods a few times, then stepping aside as Hide walks past the threshold and turns his back to lock his apartment. "I'm.. I was wondering.. if we can go somewhere today.."

"Mmm, no can do, sorry Kaneki. Raincheck?" Hide says without even looking at him, and Kaneki has to swallow the lump in his throat because the Hide he remembers always made time for him no matter what. Hell, he'd offer to skip whatever he's doing –be it club activities or study groups– just to be with him. Without him even needed to ask.

But no, not yet. He'll be damned if he'd let something like this stop him.

"..then maybe after that?"

"Don't know when I'll be done."

"It's okay."

"It can be long."

"I'll wait for you."

"Might be til nightfall or something."

"Alright."

Hide turns at him, expression unreadable, and Kaneki forces himself to stare at him back, wanting him to know that he's not backing down this time; he's not going to let Hide push him away again.

"Aren't you better off spending your time with your other friends?" Hide says, and then he walks past him just like that. And Kaneki, not knowing what else to do, follows him almost automatically behind. There seems to be some sort of mockery in the way Hide says 'friends', but he tells himself that he overlooks things.

"You're babysitting that little girl, right? What's her name–Nanami-chan?"

"Hinami-chan."

"Hinami-chan." Hide repeats, voice bitterly flat as he walks down the metal stairs; his sneakers make such slippery sound that Kaneki has to bit back a 'be careful!'

"Or maybe Touka-chan–entrance exam is only few weeks away and I think she can use a tip or two about studying from you."

"Hide–"

"You know, she's trying to get herself into Kamii. Wonders what makes her think so. I'm sure she'd be happy to get some visit from you, that is, if you haven't already been visiting her too–"

"Hide!"

That stops him. "Yes?"

"...I want to talk to _you_." Kaneki says slowly, finally. What the hell is wrong with Hide? He can't read him at all. He didn't expect Hide to bring up his other friends –heck, he's still having a hard time to accept that this Hide is a whole lot different than the one he remembers; it's as if they're two completely different person.

Did he really leave that long?

A pause, and then he hears Hide sighs; his hand gradually releasing the tight grip it’s on, and for that reason alone Kaneki breathes out in half relieve.

"...Taku has a class at two so we should be finished before that." He hears Hide tells him then, doubts lacing on his voice. But that's enough for him –no, that's more than enough for him. He would jump on Hide, gratitude overflowing in his chest that Hide is still giving him a chance, but his next words stop him at his track.

"So maybe you can just wait by the front gate around two instead of tailing me around all the time."

And with that his friend waves and walks away, leaving Kaneki on his spot, frozen at the realization that once again he’d underestimated his friend; Hide had found out about being followed.

 

It must have been the hundredth time Kaneki checks on his watch, but the damn hands seem to take forever to move. Even though Hide has told him that he should wait around 2 pm, Kaneki ended up arriving almost half an hour early.

During the 3 hours after Hide left, he had been walking around aimlessly; he'd thought he'd kill some time in a bookstore or the nearest library but he'd found himself leaving only after 15 minutes or so –no book could hold his thoughts longer than a few minutes. He'd thought about going back to his hideout, only to remember that Hinami had told him cheerily this morning that Tsukiyama had invited her to go to this new cafe (and he, in turn, had agreed but suggested Banjou to tag along) so that means his current-house is empty as well. In the end he decided to buy himself a warm cup of coffee and spent the rest of his noon walking around the streets of 20th Ward, letting wherever his feet took him until he found himself near Kamii and thought he should just wait in case Hide finished early.

Finding himself a rather secluded spot beside the front gate, his finger absently scratches over his eyepatch. Seeing these students walking before him brought back a wave of bittersweet nostalgia. He was one of them months ago – he'd passed through this gate a hundred times before, mostly with Hide by his side, with the biggest of his concern being whether or not he'd be able to finish the assignment on time or score good marks on the next exam. But boy, oh boy, the memory feels like nothing but such a sweet dream now. He remembers how was his life before he turns into a ghoul, yes, but it feels as if it's not his to begin with; as if he's only a mere spectator watching from one side as the life of 'human Kaneki Ken' plays in his head.

His eye trails up following a guy walking with his girlfriend, chatting about what movie they're going to watch later, and jumps to another guy walking with his two friends ("They finally brought in the update! Gotta hit the arcade after this!"), and then caught on a group of girls talking about a new store opening just around the corner.

What wouldn't he give to return to this sort of life.

Against his will, a bitter chuckle slips past his lips.

Some hopeful wish he has.

But he didn't need to wallow for too long, because soon he catches Hide's figure amongst the crowds. His friend is already walking towards the gate, but his attention is still on the people walking along on his side, specifically the one on his left, who must be telling the group something really funny judging from the way Hide doubles over and the cheerful expressions his friends around him have on their face.

_Do you want to take this from him?_

Kaneki blinks at the intrusive thought. He had been so focused in trying to get Hide back to him –trying to get himself back into Hide's life– but is that a good thing? Is that he really wants? Is that what Hide wants?

 _Hide is safe now_ , a part of him whispers. Hide is going about his life just as any ordinary human would; whose life has ghouls being nothing but creepy stories he'd hear on TV. He doesn't have to worry about fighting or hiding or finding things to eat. _He doesn't have to be in danger_. Hide is leading a peaceful life and isn't that what he wants? Isn't that why he ran away in the first place?

 _But what about me?_ he asks himself, fully aware that he does sound childish. _I need him,_ he says. _I need him in my life_.

_Since when did it becomes all about you?_

But Hide cares about him, right? Hide always does, ever since they were little, so he must want to be with him, right?

 _Even if it means putting himself in danger_? The voice retorts.

Kaneki raises his eye the exact time Hide raises his and their eyes meet.

.. _even if_..

The voice left, and he can hear the chatters around him again, but the doubts settles still. Sighing, Kaneki lets his eye flutters closed, the question remains unanswered.

No, he can't falter now. He'd set his mind and that is to get Hide back into his life no matter what. He allows himself a few moments to regain his composure, taking a couple of deep breath and slowly counting three, two, one. There are footsteps nearing and he opens his eye again to see Hide standing before him, both hands on his pocket and a gentle smile on his lips as he asks him if he's been waiting for a while.

Oddly enough the view gets fresh tears prickling behind his eyes. The scene is so familiar to him; this is something that he used to see back before he turned into a ghoul –he would wait until Hide's done with his club activities, and when Hide did, he'd run to him, always starting with 'You don't have to wait for me,' before going on about whatever he did earlier– and he didn't realize how much he misses his old life. How much he misses having Hide in his life.

 _I don't want to lose this_ , Kaneki tells himself as he blinks a few times, and forces himself to reply Hide's smile with his own. _I am not going to lose this._

"N-no, I just got here." He scratches the side of his cheek, the lies slipping almost too easily. Hide gives him a long look – Kaneki knows he's not buying it, knows he's trying to read him– but then hums his acknowledgement and gestures them to start walking. And Kaneki follows his lead, this time matching his speed with Hide's so they're walking side-by-side and for a while, it really does feel like the past few months didn’t happen. Everything feels so familiar, but the awkward silence settling itself between them, because instead of monopolizing the whole conversation, Hide keeps his lips shut tight, as if he's waiting for Kaneki to start talking.

And so start talking he does.

"So, umm, how did it go?"

"Hmm?"

"Your group thing. Did you–did you finish it?"

"Yeah." He notices that Hide seems a bit tense. Well, he's not the only one. "Actually it's nothing but finishing touches, but you know how the guys get, we have to double check everything and complete what’s incomplete–which are tons, mind you–and divide the parts of our presentation and as usual, no one wants to go first nor last so we did a draw and yours truly here," Hide finally takes another breath. "Got first."

Kaneki smiles, a hand already reaching out almost automatically to pat Hide's shoulder when he notices about it and stops. Maybe it's a good idea to lay the skinship down.

"I'm sure you can do just fine." So he says instead, and it's not just a mere empty cheer. Because Hide always did; whenever they had a group presentation, his friend would usually ended up getting the first turn and he always managed to set the mood of the class and in turn made the presentation flowed just as everyone expected.

"Yeah, hopefully." Hide whistles, slighty turning to give way to a man in suit pass then. "Material itself isn't so hard, but being the opening speech is kinda nerve-wrecking."

Kaneki nods, and their conversation hits a dead end as they awkwardly stand next to each other on the side of the road, waiting for the green light so they can cross.

But apparently, _thankfully_ , it’s not for long. "So, what plan do you have in mind?"

Kaneki shifts his weight to his other foot. He has, of course, prepared some sort of plan during his last talk with Hinami this morning, who suggested him to take Hide to a place they usually hang out. There are two places fit to this category: the park and Big Girls, but considering it's only the afternoon and Hide doesn't seem to already have his lunch, he decides to take the second option. Human food still makes him cringe visibly, and he'd rather not have it anywhere near his mouth, but he has been practicing and gradually getting better and really, it's a small price to pay for a chat with his friend, isn't it?

"You haven't eaten yet, have you, Hide?" Hide shakes his head. "Um, then maybe we can go to Big Girl? It's been a while, I.. kinda miss their menu." It wasn't entirely a lie, he does miss the taste of their signature burger even though he almost forgot how does it even taste like now.

The red light flickers to green, and Kaneki walks forward, following the rush of people crossing hurriedly beside him, but strangely enough Hide stays unmoving in his spot.

"Kaneki,” Hide calls his name –very gently he’d almost miss it– then pausing, and after a few steps so did Kaneki, who turns his head to shoot him a questioning look.

"What is it?"

Hide looks hesitated. It takes a while before he begins with, “I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but.."

His friend is scratching his cheek as he averts his gaze down, but then he raises his head, giving him half a smile, one hand rubbing the back of his head and continues, this time with a clearer voice. "But I know. I know you can no longer eat those things.” and then, as if it’s an afterthought, he lightly adds “I wouldn't want to force you to eat with me just because."

Here they are, standing in one of the busiest parts of the ward amidst people walking and car horns blasting and chattering mingling and yet for Kaneki, it feels as if the whole world just stops.

He can see Hide talks to him; can see the way his lips move, but he's no longer listening. Eye wide open, he can only stare at Hide as the realization keeps ringing in his head like a broken record.

Hide knows.

_Hide knows._

_Hide knows about him._

One foot steps backward, and Hide, once noticing, makes a move to walk, his hand reaching forward – _don’t_ , it says– but then they both glance up to see the light flicking back to yellow and the next thing Kaneki knows, Hide is calling his name as he runs away, his body reacting before his brain even starts to process the whole thing. His entire being shakes; fear washes over and over only to have it piling in the hollow of his chest and god, does it feels suffocating. But he didn’t stop, and instead uses the sensation to push his legs faster, to run farther – just anywhere but here. Anywhere but with Hide. Anywhere as long as Hide can't see him.

He bumps to more than just a few people as he runs, and receives even more weird looks thrown his way as he tears through the crowded streets looking like a prey trying to run for its life, but he ignores them all, the only thing in his head is that he has to run.

Blocks pass and crossings turn to empty streets and soon he can no longer feel Hide nor smell his scent, but still he doesn’t stop.

 _You’ve seen this coming_ , a voice whisper on his ear.

 _You should’ve known_ , another voice adds.

Should've known. Should've known why Hide never asks him to Big Girls again after that one time he puked during their last meal together, why Hide lets him stuffed his fridge with coffee without a single question, why Hide never asks –why Hide insisted that he wouldn't answer him even if he does.

He'd always known Hide is smart, and yet he kept underestimating him. Thought that he wouldn't catch on. Thought that everything is okay when it clearly isn’t.

_How many times would it take for you to get that you can’t fool him?_

Kaneki digs his nails into his own palms as what seems to be a combination of a sob and a wail threatens to claw its way from his throat.

_Hide knows._

And suddenly the exhaustion overwhelms him, and down he stumbles, his legs wobbly as it gives away, sending him tumbling against the rough asphalt where he lays still as his breathing tries to catch up.

 _Why couldn't this fall just kill me_ , he chuckles bitterly.

Pushing himself to a sitting position, shaky arms and all, Kaneki mumbles a few curses as he wipes his forehead, catching a few drops of sweats that already trailed down the side of his face and to his neck.

He should run. He can't let Hide see him again.

_Run._

_Run away._

_But where?_

"Kaneki?"

Kaneki whips his head, one eye opens wide in fear like a deer caught in headlights only to see Banjou standing behind him. The older man is looking at him, confusion written in his furrowed brows as he seems to wonder whether or not he should take another step closer.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Banjou continues, cautiously walking closer and offers him his hand, which Kaneki grasps without a second thought. He can feel Banjou’s eyes checking him as pulls him up; Kaneki knows he's trying to find any wound or traces of whoever responsible for god knows what happened to him.

"I'm fine, Banjou-san. I'm not hurt." Kaneki tells him. "I promise." He adds at his further fussing.

“If you say so.” The older man shrugs, silently watching as Kaneki checks his legs  and huffs when he finds there’s no damage to be found, other than a small rip near his knee.

“Where’s Hinami?”

“She’s back home.” Banjou smiles reassuringly. “Turns out the cafe’s only open til 2, something about the owner having special guest or something. Tsukiyama suggested we check this other bookstore instead, but we didn’t spend much time there since Hinami already found a good book and couldn’t wait to get home.”

Kaneki nods, gaze landing on the plastic bags his friend’s carrying. More diversion. “Human food?”

“Uhuh, forgot to tell you our stock of human food's getting stale, especially the milk.” Banjou makes a disgusted face with quite some exaggeration. Kaneki knows his friend is trying to lighten the mood and he pushes out a smile just because.

“You think milk smells disgusting? I say it’s 10 times better than stale milk.”

His smile grows into a small chuckle. They had been keeping human food in their house, as well as going grocery shopping every now and then to minimize the suspicion in case any unwanted doves decide to sniff their way into their hideout. Everyone but Hinami had question his rather odd suggestion, but after a few encounters with their neighbors, who once asked what would she be making for dinner (to which she answered, as she practiced with Kaneki, some Kare), and finding that their neighbor has been more welcoming to them ever since, they started offering to buy groceries themselves.

Kaneki offers to help him carrying some of the bags, but Banjou casually waves his hand dismissively, and instead asks him about his so called 'grand plan'.

“So how’d it go? Hinami’s been so worried about you, I can tell. She fooled Tsukiyama just right, but I know she wants to be home in case you need her or anything.”

“Ah.. umm.” When Kaneki hesitates with his answer, Banjou seems to realize that he'd chosen the wrong topic. And so he tries to give him an awkward smile.

“..A-ah, I take it didn’t go as planned?”

“..no. No it didn’t.”

“I’m sorry. Would you be okay?”

Kaneki wonders. Would he?

“I’m… I will.” he says, more to himself. Banjou sighs, catching on his hint to end the conversation, and they continue walking together in silent. Honestly speaking, Kaneki really appreciates the fact that Banjou respects his silent wish not to talk about his meeting further, everyone in their house knows Kaneki isn't one to talk about his problem, but there’s something in his gut, a nagging feeling that he should talk about this with him. He’s only ever talked with Hinami, and he knows she would question him the moment he steps a foot back in their house, so maybe he can take this as some sort of preparation?

Yes, he should.

“Banjou-san…?”

“Yeah?”

“..umm.” Kaneki isn’t sure how to even start the whole thing. He should at least give some sort of background information about Hide to Banjou, right? But where do he start?

“Say if you’re put in a situation that puts you and your loved ones in danger.. _if you’re the danger itself_.. you would pull yourself away from them... right?” When Banjou didn’t answer, he carefully continues, “...I have a friend. He’s… he’s important to me.”

“Your human friend?” Kaneki has to admit he’s caught off guard, and then it's time for Banjou to look a bit nervous when he offers him another sheepish grin. “I, uh, accidentally overheard you talking about your friend to Hinami days ago. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but..” _oh_.

“It’s okay, Banjou-san.” He says, and he means it. He trusts the older man with his life, and sooner or later he’d find out anyway so that saves Kaneki the trouble of the introduction part.

Not that he would ever talk about Hide again after this.

Turning left in another crossing, he notices that Banjou is not leading them to their hideout, and instead takes a turn to the larger street that leads to the riverbank. Kaneki silently follows him –not that he has anything else to do anyway, other than maybe wallow in self pity. Again. – and soon the blocks of houses around them clears as the view of the wide, darkening sky and the sparkling river greets them. Kaneki doesn’t come here often; the area is usually packed with people walking about or simply just enjoying the view and he’d much rather bury himself in his own loneliness, all safe under the safety of his own room. But other than them and another couple walking away in the distant, the place is quite empty today. Well, today's forecast was something about it's going to rain around the late afternoon and really, he thinks sarcastically, guess it's good to have the weather matching the state of his mind.

“And?” Banjou slowly prompts.

“Ah. Well, uhh..” Kaneki scratches his head, trying to tell himself to focus back to the matters on hand. Funny how there’s so many things he wants to say and yet the words seem all jumbled in his throat like a pile of knotted ropes. In the end, he decides to start from the recent happening. From the end.

“He found out I’m a ghoul.” he begins, noticing how his voice seems a bit rough. “He wasn’t supposed to know –he should be the last to know– and I... I thought I could fix things up, but I can’t. Banjou-san, he told me he’d stop waiting, and I… yes, I-I’ve wronged him so much…? He told me how friends shouldn’t do that to each other but I did. I left him. I left him alone.

“But I never wanted to do that! I wouldn’t leave him. I never wanted to, but I have to and I did. He should be safe – a-away from me. But I need him. I need him, Banjou-san. And he’s there, and he told me he’d stopped waiting, and now he knows –Banjou-san, I…” His voice crumbles into hiccups as he sinks his head to his hands, blunt nails leaving trails of red on the side of his cheeks out of frustration. So many things. So many things he wants to say all at once; he doesn’t even know where the conversation is heading, doesn’t even know what he’s searching for, what the answer he yearns to hear.

He hates Hide. He hates him. Hates him for giving up on him. For finding out that he’s a ghoul. For still acting as if it didn’t matter when it does. Hates him that he’s moving on from him. That he didn’t chase after him anymore. That the only way he’ll be safe is when he’s away from him. And he hates himself because he's not supposed to hate Hide; it's fair game, it’s not supposed to be that way, but it's expected to happen. He screwed up and he deserved this, but he didn’t mean it.

This is all so fucked up – he is so fucked up. His life is nothing but one big joke, and Kaneki wants to laugh. He doesn’t even know what he wants. He wants Hide to stay with him. He wants Hide to talk to him. But Hide knows and he’d be disgusted and he’d hate him and he’d lie and say it’s okay when it’s not. He tells himself it was the end; that would be the last time he saw Hide; the last page Hide would be in this tragedy he calls his life, and yet he can’t deny that he still yearns him. Still yearns for his personal sun because it’s been so long and there’s nothing but bleak night inside him. And it’s like there are many voices in his head, all screaming different things and different outcomes and he wants nothing but them to shut up.

He can feel Banjou's eyes on him – that faux pity everyone would throw at him – and he forces his fingers harder against his skull, willing them to reach through his head right into his brain to shut all those voices up. To just stop. Because he’s judging him; Banjou is judging him, and it’ll be a matter of time before he too leave him, won't it? Because that always happens. That’s always the case. He’ll fucked up somehow and people would leave him.

And what would Hinami say? Hinami, who has always been so sweet, who has helped him trying to get his sorry ass to talk to Hide –what would she say when she finds out he fucked this one up too?

_Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic._

There’s a hand on his shoulder, pulling him back from the war inside his head. Raising his head, the first thing he notices is Banjou’s smile.

“Kaneki, you know I’m not good with words.” his friend begins with a light chuckle, and Kaneki only stares at him, loss at words, not knowing what to do.

Banjou is comforting him...

_..but why? How?_

“I really  am not sure if I should say this, I mean you know I don't know anything about love or relationship, you know what happened to me and Rize..” there’s always that sort of gentle way Banjou would use whenever he rolls Rize’s name on his tongue. As if he’s talking about his most cherished one.

(She still is, he notes).

“Or what didn't happen, heh. But if there's anything I'm sure of, it's that if he's the one who made you like this, then he's the only one who can fix it for you. You can't run. It never settles anything."

When Kaneki didn’t show any signs of interfering, Banjou continues, “Why is it so bad that he knows you’re now a half ghoul, anyway?”

“He’d hate me.” He answers without a second thought.

“Now, did he?”

Kaneki almost says yes, but then he remembers Hide’s face. Hide’s expression. His friend wasn’t angry or disgusted –if anything he looked worried. Concerned. It’s almost the exact same look he gave when he told Kaneki he has dark circles around his eyes.

“He w-would hate me.” he answers instead, uncertainty dripping from his words.

“Are you sure?”

Yes. “Yes. I…” He would. Hide would. He knew it would end this way. Knew Hide wouldn’t take him back, knew it wouldn’t go as he planned. And yet he still hoped. He still tried, dumbly so, and the past few weeks should be reason enough why he should pull himself back completely from Hide’s life, and Hide from his. Things are different now, and no matter how much he tries to convince himself, it’s just no use.

“Have you talked to him yet?” Banjou asks once again, and Kaneki closes his eye.

“I don’t have to ask him. I knew what he’d say.” he knows it’s a childish answer, knows he's running away, hell, he knows he’s acting like a child, but really, _I’m saving myself from this last goodbye,_ he reasons silently _. You don’t know how it feels, Banjou-san. I don’t think I’d survive. I don’t wanna get hurt._

“Then, why don’t you ask him yourself?”

_What’s that?_

He forces his eye open and there, just a few feet away, stands Hide, hunching down with one hand over his chest as he tries to calm his breathing, looking all messed up as if he’d just ran all the way here.

“H-Hide–” Everything in him screams run, but his feet are cemented to the ground.

Hide’s there. It’s.. it’s not a joke, isn’t it? Is he imagining things? _Wait, this isn't real. No, no, no–_

Then he feels Banjou’s hand on his shoulder again, and he can only watch in silent, mouth slightly agape, as the older man gives him one more encouraging pat.

“I’ll see you back home, Kaneki.” is Banjou’s last words before he turns to walk away, but not before giving a slight bow of his head towards Hide, who returns the bow with his own. And the next minute is probably the longest 60 seconds in Kaneki’s life as they watch Banjou walks away until he disappears from their sight as he takes a turn in the corner.

And when he turns back, he finds Hide's gaze already fixed on him. Kaneki swallows the lump in his throat. His heart is beating so hard against his ribcage he wouldn’t be surprised if his friend says he hears it.

Is he even allowed to call Hide his friend?

..isn’t Hide supposed to hate him now? _And yet why is he here?_

He opens his mouth, wanting to ask, but no words come out; none other than another whisper of Hide's name, and a _why?_

There are thousands of things he expects Hide to do; to punch him straight in his gut, or maybe even his face, to scream at him and demand why –to scream at him and demand him to never come close to him again, or to simply leave him standing there.

There are thousand of possibilities, but finding Hide’s body warm against his is clearly not one of them.

In the split few seconds Hide has ran to him and pulls him into a tight embrace, his arms circling his body as he brings himself so close, Kaneki can feel his heartbeat thrumming against his own.

And there is a storm in his head; a hundred whys and that one answer he wouldn’t let himself even think, but then Hide leans his head against his and there’s a low “Don’t leave me again,” on his ear and then Kaneki is a sobbing mess clinging on Hide’s shoulder, fingers clutching the back of Hide’s jacket in a shaky grip as cries finally spill from his mouth.

“Hide…” he chokes. “Hide… Hide, Hide, Hide–”

He doesn’t even know why he’s crying, but Hide’s there and everything just come crashing. All he knows is that he’s so scared.

Hide is rubbing circles on his back, his other hand reaches up to carefully thread his fingers against his hair. A gentle shush is then whispered against his cheek, a repeated “I’m here. I’m here, shhh..” and yet it did nothing but make the tears flow louder.

“Hide… Hide– Hide don’t leave– I’m so sorry– I’m sorry for everything–Hide–”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” Hide says kindly, as he always seems to be, pulling back wanting to hold his face with his hands, but Kaneki, being so afraid Hide would leave, shakes his head and holds him tighter. God, he misses this; misses the feel of Hide against him, misses the warmth, the scent, the feel of finally being home after straying away for what seems like forever. He’s still shaking, and his breath still comes out as hitched sobs, but he buries himself further to Hide’s arms, still trying to convince himself that apparently this isn’t a dream or any sort of a fucked up imagination he made in his head. That it's really _him_.

Hide holds him for what seems to be hours, the hand rubbing comforting circles on his back never stops, and slowly but sure he calms down, the cries now nothing but haggard breathing as he leans his head on his friend’s shoulder – Hide’s grown a bit taller now, Kaneki notices.

He wishes the time would stop, and they would just stand like that forever, but Kaneki knows better –knows that time will always flow no matter what. It's time to settle everything; to clear up whatever problem, whatever misunderstanding that is between them. At least he knows now that Hide doesn't hate him (that much). And it's both calming and odd because being here in Hide's arms has effectively shut the voices in his head.

Taking one deep breath, he reluctantly pulls back from the warmth of his friend. And Hide follows his lead, his hands trailing down his arms as he lets him go, then pausing on his to give a gentle squeeze before letting it go too.

Kaneki stares at his retreating hands. He can do this. He should do this. He needs to talk –they need to talk, but how do he starts? So many loose ends, he has no idea where to begin.

"I've always known." Hide's voice surprises him, and he closes his eyes, bracing himself for the anger and scolding that strangely enough never comes.

"It's like that odd feeling.. the feel that you know something's wrong despite how much you want to believe it's not. You started hiding yourself, you started wearing that eyepatch, you stopped eating, I saw those piled coffee bags on your shelves and then I found myself starting to pick up books and info about ghouls and the next thing I know.." Hide smiles bitterly. "You're gone."

“And I hate it, y’know." his friend admits, a small smile still playing on his lips, his brown eyes everywhere but on his. “I should be happy that you’re finding other friends; you’re spending time with someone else and not just me. That above all, you’re with people who knows how to help you because I’m next to useless – I sure know there’s no guidebook that can help you on how to live as a ghoul else I’d have helped you myself.” he ends with a small chuckle, but Kaneki only stares at him.

“I know I should be scared of you, but I really don't. I saw you on the rooftop that night, when you went against that ukaku ghoul, when you saved Touka-chan, and you’re like a completely different person. White hair aside, you fought him, and you won, and you almost killed him and I know you've changed –whatever happened during those days changed you, but in my head you're still Kaneki.”

“I thought then that now you’re free, you’d come back to me, but you never did. A few times I saw you hanging around with your new friends and..”

Hide looks pained that Kaneki gingerly reaches forwards to touch his face, and oh how Hide leans into his hand has effectively steals his breath away.

“I tried to be angry at you, I’ve all the reason to, but I can’t. I’d wake up and tell myself ‘I’ll stop sending messages to Kaneki today,’ but then midday I’d be in class and I’d get bored and I did just that. I told myself I’ll stop waiting for you but..”

Kaneki is tongue-tied. He wants to say something, he needs to say something, but Hide gently shakes his head, an unsaid _I’m not finished yet_.

“And then a few weeks ago you followed me. I– Kaneki, I was so happy. You finally came to me– I’d run to you but I was afraid I’d scare you off and screw the chance up. So I led you to my apartment. I wanted to let you know where I live, so that maybe.. at least if you didn’t talk to me that day, you’d know where you can find me. But Kaneki, I…”

He gazes upwards; by this time Hide’s eyes are sparkling, the unshed tears reflecting the dulling sky above them, and Kaneki pulls him closer because he can’t bear seeing the view. His Hide is always strong; Hide is strong in his own way. And he is his pillar, and so he can’t– he doesn’t want to see him crumbling down.

“I hate this feeling.” he hears Hide mumbles against his shoulder, “I’m tired, Kaneki. I’m tired chasing after you over and over again. I’m tired being left behind. I’m tired having to wait.

“Tell me, how do I move on from you?”

Kaneki closes his eye. There’s no tear; he has no more left for himself these days. And there’s nothing but emptiness in his chest; the deep dark pit spreading from the center of his being. And it doesn’t hurt either; there’s no hands crawling to his neck, or nails trailing his arms, or voices blaming him on. The suffocating feeling is none.

It just feels.. empty.

He knew it. He did nothing but dragged Hide down with him. He kept taking and taking; always assuming Hide would give him – always assuming Hide would always have more to give. He’d been so used in having Hide on his back; having Hide as someone he can turn into whenever things got bad, always assuming Hide would be ready to accept him with open arms; to pick up the mess he’s left behind, that he didn’t realize that Hide needs him too. He's been pulling himself away claiming he's protecting him when actually it's he himself who did the damage.

“It’s too late, isn’t it?” he whisper, a bitter smile curved his lips. Hide stays still on his arms, and he pulls himself closer, sinking into the familiarity of his friend. Hide feels so warm. So alive. He’s always full of it, his existence in his life is like that early morning sun that greets him up after one long, seemingly endless dark night.

He’s going to miss this, god, yes he would. And he would use this one last moment to carve every detail into his memory; Hide’s warmth, Hide’s scent, the way he fits just right into him as if they’re made for each other.

(and maybe they are.

They were.

Once upon a time.)

He feels Hide sucks a breath, and his body reacts by tightening his hold on him.

_No, not yet. Just a little bit more, just a little bit –_

“I wish..” Hide begins, and Kaneki scrunches his eyes shut, ready to accept the goodbye he can no longer run away from.

It’ll hurt, yes, but this is the least he can do. Back when they were little, he tells himself Hide’s happiness means the world to him, and that’s exactly what he will spend the rest of his life telling himself again and again.

“I wish you’d look at me.”

“...what?”

Kaneki almost pushes Hide away from him. His arms are shaking. _What was that?_ He stares at his friend, questions about to spill from his mouth, but the way Hide’s looking at him had him shutting his mouth. And then he watches as Hide reaches forward to the side of his face and around his head and then there’s a tug on the back of his head and only then he notices what Hide’s trying to do.

“No!” and comes flying his hand to his eye patch, and another one over it.

“Kaneki.” Hide says, and just like that, he feels his hands lowering themselves. And then Hide’s hands are back on his head again, tugging the last knot on his eye patch and letting it falls down below.

And Kaneki waits, waits for Hide to back away in disgust, waits for Hide to tell him how inhumane he looks now, but what he gets instead is a gentle touch against his skin, and only then he notices that Hide is now holding his face, his thumb carefully tracing the skin just below his left eye.

“Why is it so bad if I knew?” he hears Hide mutters under his breath, his stare still fixed on his left eye, that he assumes must be a combination of red and black, just as it always been whenever he’s losing it.

“I-it’s dangerous.” _this life is_.

“Won’t you protect me?”

“ _I_ ’m the danger, Hide,”

“I trust you with my life.”

“I don’t.” How can Hide trust him that much? “I almost kill you back then…” he tells him, trying to push the memory of Hide lying in his own blood away from his head; of the guilt that if only Touka didn't stop him, he would've finished his friend like a starving animal that he was. “I almost kill you. Hide, _I almost eat you_!”

“But you didn't.”

“N-no! No, you don’t understand!” the urge to runaway has returned full force, but Hide’s hand, as gentle as it is, feels like a death grip rooting him to the ground. “You don’t understand how fucked up I am!” he screams. He really doesn't get Hide.“You don’t know these voices in my head. These nightmares.. this.. hell.. what I’ve been through.. and her– H-hide I’m–” disgusting, broken, weak, ruined, flawed, useless, pathetic, nothing–

“..not the Kaneki you knew.”

“Does it matter?” Hide asks back as if it's the most logical thing to ask, and it's amazing how he maintains the calm expression the whole time, even though the _dub-dub-dub_ of his heart mirroring Kaneki's own tells the complete opposite. “I want you. I want you no matter how flawed you are. If you let me – I want you so I can fix you, and fix us, and–”

“Why!?” Kaneki begs. He doesn't understand.  _I don’t get it_. “Why are you so kind to me?”

Here is his best friend. His most important person. The one he can’t lose. The one he’d fucked up over and over again. The one who just a few minutes ago asked if he can let him go. The one that he let go because he finally realized they’re nothing but disaster in the making. Everyone gave up on him. Everyone left him. He fucks things up, yes he knew, and he’s trying to let Hide go, to part on him while they’re still on good terms. And every sane person would've taken the decision. Then why?

Why does Hide want to be with a person like him?

“You’re my person; my most important person." Hide tells him loud and clear, as if he can see what’s inside his head. "If there’s anything the past 6 months can tell me, it’s that I’d never be able to forget you. I’ll always get back you. I can’t promise I’d make everything better, but I’m willing to try, Kaneki, I’m willing to try for you. I want to be by your side – would you give me the chance?”

Kaneki stares at him. Really stares at him.

Is this some kind of sick joke? It must be, right? How can this be real? The universe has done nothing but taking things away from him that this feels so unreal. Hide is here and he’s offering himself another chance; Hide’s giving the thing he wants, but he just can’t accept it – won’t accept it.

 _You’ll ruin everything again_ , says Rize inside his head. _You will. You will. You will. You will._

 _But I have him_ , he finds himself denying. _This time would be different because I have him._

_But you didn't deserve him._

He knows, yes he knows he didn't, but Hide is offering himself, and he's such an egoist, he’s always been – he’s this selfish jerk who would take everything offered to him greedily, who would keep taking and taking, but it feels like he’s been in hell for so long; life kept taking things away from him, can’t he grant himself this one happiness?"

For this once he wants to believe that everything would be alright. That someone is there behind him. That he still has a home to come back to.

“Save me.” there was his answer, whispered in the wind, and then he finds himself in Hide’s arms once again, tears blurring his view as they finally streams down his face.

“Fix me, Hide. Make it okay again...”

“I will.” Hide vows against his hair. “I will. No matter what, I will. I’ll find a way.”

Kaneki nods shakily, and he's crying again, but it's alright. It's okay. They're okay now and he'll be too. He feels a wetness on the side of his neck and notices that Hide must be crying too. Oh how it's strange knowing he’s important to Hide as much as Hide is to him has him smiling despite the tears. And it's ridiculous, he imagines how weird it is for other people to see them; these two young men crying on each other, but Kaneki can't find himself caring. Hide is here; he's with him in his arms, and things will be okay. Everything will be okay from now on.

Eventually the sobs die down and he lessens his grip, and Hide too steps back to give him the space he needs. But he barely steps back before his hand finds a way to his face again.

“Oh man,” Hide says then, and Kaneki blinks confusedly at him. “Here I am, telling myself I’ll fix you and the next thing I do is making you cry.”

Someone laughs, and it takes a while before Kaneki notices that it's him. His voice was hoarse but it’s a laugh nevertheless.

“What kind of person am I?”

“A mean one, definitely.” He tells Hide jokingly, his own hands reaching up to hold his face, to trace over the tears and his cheeks and his jaw and his lips and just.. him. _It's really him_.

“Pfff. Well, consider this the last time, then.” Hide decides affectionately, before leaning down to drop a chaste kiss on both of his eyes. “You know, when you stare at me back that night, puppy eyes and all, I swear to god I almost give in. I just can’t see you cry.”

“But you did kick me out.” Kaneki can’t help a small pout.

“I have no choice! You look so..” His friend scrunches his face as he tries to find the word. “.. _different_. I wasn’t sure if it’s not an imposter trying to pretend as my bestest friend and kidnap me when I let my guard down!”

He rolls his eyes. “What can I say? I’ve been out of Hide-care for so long.”

"Mhmm. See? Told you you wouldn't be able to survive without me!'" Hide announces proudly, smile definitely too bright for someone who still has tear trails on the corner of his eyes, and another choked laugh breaks from Kaneki's throat. "Now let me take care of you, okay?" And he nods as he leans his head against his, letting Hide wipes his tears with his thumb.

"No more running away from me."

"Yeah."

"And no more keeping secret."

"Mmm."

"And no more ogling over pretty ladies who read horror novels."

_"Hide!"_

"I love you." Hide tells him just like that, and Kaneki, once those words finally sinks on him, almost shy his face down. Almost, if only Hide's hands aren't holding his face, forcing him to stare at his eyes.

"I love you so much." he repeats, tone both light and yet somehow so heavy that the words sounds so much like another vow. "Love you so much you have no idea. I love you. I love you, Kaneki Ken. I love you, I love you, I love–"

But Kaneki silences him with his lips, somehow getting into the conclusion that it's the only way to shut him up, and Hide smiles into the kiss, barely returning it before Kaneki pulls back again, now with a darker shade of blush that really stands out against the pale of his hair.

It’s funny how in the end, everything falls into place; the answer to the question Hinami asked him weeks ago. "I-I..." Kaneki doesn't think there would be a time when he'd ever get it out properly in one breath. But it's now or never; Hide has done his part and it's time to do his. "I l-love you too, but," he adds, pressing two of his fingers against Hide's lips before he has the chance to interrupt. "But I think I'm.. um.. it's embarrassing... if you keep saying it like that.."

The look on Hide's face resembles an excited puppy, and knowing exactly what his friend –no, his _boy_ friend– is thinking, Kaneki buries his face into his shoulder to hide himself from further embarrassment. He's long accepted that Hide is quite vocal about his feelings, and that he would dominate most of their conversations, but he never thought it'd bring this kind of problem. Not that it's a problem to begin with, but Kaneki would definitely need some time to get used to hear those words being said to him. To get used to the fact that there's someone who loves him this much even when he’s pretty much broken beyond repair. And how it's not some part of his own made-up delusion.

"Say it again..."

"No!"

"Aww come on, I didn't hear you properly!"

"...no."

“Kaneki, please?”

“Hide, no.”

He hears Hide laughs, and then those hands are guiding his face upwards again, and absently he lets a smile steals its way to his lips as he lets Hide pulls him in and closes the distance between them once again.

"Would this be okay, then?" He feels Hide asks against his lips, his voice, Kaneki notes, is a bit deeper than usual, and he hums against the silky warmth offered on his lips, the little kisses soon changing into him playfully tugging on Hide's lower lip and Hide putting up a playful annoyance.

"Doesn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?" he hears him teasingly scolds between licks, and only then noticing the pair of hands on his face are now settling on his hips. "For someone who was all red because of some word confession, you do seem to have no shame attacking my lips."

The tease and the embarrassment tagging along is enough to make him pull himself back, stammerings ready on his tongue, but he barely takes one step back before Hide tugs on his arms and pulls him back in again, this time to shower his face with kisses that had him closing his eyes because god, Hide smells so, so good and he tastes even better –the tongue probing on his lips is so inviting and if this keeps up..

Kaneki groans. _Oh to hell with it, a few nibbles won't hurt, will it?_

"My ghoul boyfriend is going to eat me, what do I do?" Hide whines again, and Kaneki answers him with a shrug, smile growing embarrassingly larger as he decides sassing Hide back isn't worth breaking the kiss.

It'll be harder for both of them from now on; he knows he's putting Hide's life at a greater stake the moment he decides to win him back. And he still needs to find Kanou, and hunt for targets, and deal with the CCG, and god knows what kind of dangerous ghouls would he meet in the future. But he sees Hide and knows his heart has made a choice. Now knowing the feel of having Hide so close, he knows he'd never be able to even consider leaving his side again.

Kaneki made a silent vow to get stronger. Stronger so can he can protect Hide; stronger so he can protect his most important person without needing to stay away from him.

"Hey, it's getting chilly here, don't you think?" Hide's voice brings him back from his mustering, and Kaneki reluctantly pulls back to see that the sky has indeed turn a few shades darker, a sign that it's going to rain soon. He can see their breath coming out in puffs and had to admit that it might be the time for them to find some place warmer, no matter how comfortable he is now.

He isn't planning on admitting, but he actually wouldn't mind staying here all night as long as Hide's there. His Hide, though, seems to dislike the idea of staying any longer because he bops him on the nose, cold finger and all, and scolds him affectionately about it instead when Kaneki rubs it in annoyance.

"As much as I wanna find out what's going on in that big white head of yours, I'm hungry, and we'll end up two fools knocked out cold if this keeps up. Should've worn something thicker earlier, geez." He adds as he rubs his hands on his arms, and Kaneki scolds him; Hide's choice of jacket is nothing but an insulated vest today.

"And I thought you're going to take me out to lunch? Kaneki, if rabbits don't get fed properly, they'd die!"

A huff escapes his lips as he tries to stop himself from laughing, as he tries to ignore the funny warmth spreading through his being despite the whole situation. Only Hide can do something like this to him. And he is about to tell Hide he'd still treat him, and he'd even hold his hand when they walk back, when he sees his sun smiling that smile –the one reserved for him, the one he'd always fall for all over again– his hand stretching out.

"Kaneki," Hide invites, offering him his everything –all the sunny days and warm embraces and lazy mornings and messy kisses, all the calm nights and cramped bed and cheesy mails; all the love and the life he doesn't think he'd ever had the chance to taste –every little thing he's willing to give. Just for him.

"Let's go home."

And Kaneki smiles back –he's been smiling a lot the past few minutes, hasn't he?– nodding and reaching towards Hide's hand to thread their fingers together.

Yes, it'll be hard, and they will stumble, but that's okay. It's okay. They made it this far, they'll make it again.

Everything will be okay.

"Yeah, let's go home."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope it's worth the wait (and the tears ahaha). I'm so glad I managed to finish this, finally, and to have it as a happy ending as well. The main idea of this fic has been on my mind forever, and since my heart weighs heavily on Hide's happiness, I originally intended this to end with him moving on, but as I mentioned above, somewhere along the way I fell in love with this pairing again, and the rest is history.
> 
> Thank you so much for each of you who'd commented on the first chapter. I didn't expect I'd get more than 5. Your words are what pushed me to write on. I don't think I can be as comfortable with my writing as I am with my drawing, but I'd like to think I've made peace with myself, so really, thank you for sharing what you feel about this fic. It means a lot.
> 
> Last but not least, I hope this won't be the last fic I write for HideKane. Please let me know what you think about this fic, and I'll see you around! (:

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn't break your heart. There should be another chapter after this, the last one, but I'm still not sure how to end it.. or even to continue it. But anyway please let me know what you think!


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